Published January 26, 2010
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Well, you have the talent. Keep writing. You use a lot of detail and description, so I can actually see the place that you're writing about, which is a flaw in some of the writers on YWS. Only one complaint.
I seriously doubt every other orphan had lost his family to a car accident, so get rid of that first line, in my opinion. I also agree with LittlePetRock that should be taken out. But expand your ideas a little bit. This is a lot like other stories, such as Logan's Run, but not in the future. I stil like the story, don't get me wrong, but you can improve.Hmm, I like how you started without a lot detail. It kind of summarizes it and gets the reader into it. Also, it was wise to not have the entire story like that. I was glad there was some dialogue in it.
But it was slightly boring. There must be a million orphanage escape stories that start out like this. Give us readers a twist. Surprise us. Give us something to hook us. Raise the stakes, make us know something that Jackson doesn't. Then we'll be concerned for him, and thous hooking the reader. Just a suggestion.
Definitely keep going. I agree with LittlePetRock that you have talent.
~Crazy
Hi there! You are very talented and I love the plot and work in this chapter. I shall review this in blue.
Keep going on this piece!